tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
