either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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