i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
