I wish I could teleport
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Randomize
