took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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