I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
