That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
