my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
