Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
