That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
