Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
