it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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