I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
