Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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