I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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