it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
