your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
