A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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