Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
