Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
