apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
