today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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