glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
