Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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