Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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