I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
