i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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