Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
