Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
