Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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