for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
