Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
