i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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