never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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