I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
