is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
