I'm so fucking centered right now
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
