Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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