Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I touched a dick in church today
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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