my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
