What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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