yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Randomize
