There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
