i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
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