Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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