i think my tv is drunk
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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