I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
