Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
