Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
