i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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