just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
