she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
