I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
