my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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