that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
